dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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