you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
