the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
