I want to walk on stilts...naked
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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