You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Text me some of your sweat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
