i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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