I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
