dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
