My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
