Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
