i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Bring me that man meat
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
