Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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