Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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