That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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