i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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