Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
