just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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