everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's always time for handjobs
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
