Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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