this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
