I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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