she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
