it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
