I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
