I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
