I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
