Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
