I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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