Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
