Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
