one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't turn off my feet"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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