so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
