I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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