The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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