when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
