Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize