My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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