When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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