Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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