obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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