Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
