Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
