My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
