did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Randomize
