after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I forget how to act sober
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