Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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