I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
