new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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