Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
