Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You're breaking my sexual little heart
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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