Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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