is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
