i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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