dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
