So drunk its hurt
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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