can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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