If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Randomize
