probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
